I decided to walk in someone else's shoes for a day. I was looking for change and an interesting new way to endure one of those fraternity "dress to pin" days. In short, I decided to be an asshole for a day. It began with the outfit. I was at some cheap outlet, possibly Beall's, looking for shorts to no avail when I stumbled across a pair of sea foam green (vomit/putrid swamp colored) boat shoes. The urge to get these disgustingly composed Sperry Topsiders at an unbelievable price took me by storm. Sporting these in some kind of mocking ironic fashion would really make my day. Then I was struck by an epiphany. I began to wonder, "Just what other frat-tastic/sailor-esque/ultra-preppy clothing items were available to add to this nonsense?" It turned out there was plenty of fun to be had. I ended getting a tie to match the shoes and one of those belts covered in all the important waving nautical flags any knowledgeable first-mate should know. I decided to sport the belt, tie, and heinous shoes with some slim-fit khakis and an equally slender extra small white dress shirt… but what really topped it off was the brown with gold trim Dragon brand "stunna shades" that graced my face. I had never heard this term before until I put said shades on and was complimented by a random stranger. The shades covered more than just my eyes, consuming at least 67% of my face, letting two giant rounded rectangles wrap around my head. After a full day of classes with this attire I learned something not only about myself, but something about college students, and maybe even America in general. I expected to get the same odd looks I often get while sporting skintight jeans like the emo kid that I am. Instead I was showered in smiles, head nods, and unspoken telepathic high-fives. I have never had so many beautiful girls look straight into my eyes and smile. A few even turned their heads away, bashful, as I walked by. With my face half covered by the "stunna shades" I could easily stare right back and smile or nod without really making eye contact, seeming full of an outgoing demeanor I'm not known for. I even had a completely straight male say, "Lookin' good!" out of his opening full-face grin. Now there certainly were some people staring and smiling trying to hold back laughter, but they were a minority. But by the end of the day I felt smug as all hell and didn't have a full grasp on this phenomenon. I came to the conclusion that it takes confidence to pull off such an outfit. And though I'm far from the most confident person I know, I was perceived to have this characteristic solely based on looks. I was a book judged merely by my cover. People prize confidence. Another realization came to me from a friend. When I asked him, "On a scale of one to ten, how big of an asshole do I look like today?" He replied with, "I don't know, probably around a thirteen." I mentioned the observations of the day and he seemed to think that a desired confidence from onlookers was only one piece of the puzzle. He seemed to think that my dressing like an endowed daddy's trust fund boy was the biggest factor in gaining female attention. People love money. So it turns out that a 'stylish' outfit combined with an inflated chest and a smug smile can capture the care of nearly anyone. With an air of confidence and a presentation of wealth, power is yours. This is why girls wake up from blacked-out nights with the clothes I mentioned strewn across their floors. With enough money in your pocket, who cares how ridiculous you look? By transcending the standards of normal clothing you transcend societies standards of realism. You can engage anyone, take on any task, and those around you will assume you happen to know what you are doing. This is all simply because they assume your stupid clothing is related to some higher understanding of fashion that common people have yet to fathom: You know more, therefore you are more. This is why the US government is about to throw $700 billion to bailout some corporations that presented themselves as wealthy until they suddenly folded penniless. Now this was obviously not the result of obnoxious outfits, but rather a bloated and assured presentation to unknowing onlookers. Everyday these stockbrokers dressed like I did but they had more confidence than I could muster, enough to cheat $5,000 out of every American. With enough cash handouts to government officials and enough PR guys to avert the eyes of the press you can rape an entire country with your confidence. Being an asshole doesn't come without a price though… those damn boats shoes gave me blisters.
Stetson Reporter > Entertainment
Just Being An Asshole!
Published: Thursday, October 2, 2008
Updated: Sunday, February 22, 2009
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